Lead With Warmth, Follow With Competency (Why Most Leaders Get This Backwards)

The order you show up in changes everything about how people respond to you, and most people are completely unaware of it.

You've been taught that competency comes first, especially when it comes to leadership. Prove you know what you're doing. Build respect. Then, this will help you build the trust and rapport needed for relationship building.

Research says that's backwards. And it's costing you leadership effectiveness.

According to research by Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy, warmth and competence account for approximately 90% of the positive or negative perceptions people form about you. That's not a small thing. That's almost everything.

When you lead with competency first, you create respect but not trust. People see you as capable. They may see you as distant, maybe defensive, trying to prove yourself.

When you lead with warmth first, you create a connection. Safety. Psychological space. Once this is in place, and you then back it up with competency, people listen. They follow. They develop.

The order matters more than you think.

When I left the Police service and started out as a business owner, every networking event I went to kept talking about 'like, know, trust' and that 'people buy from people'. This wasn't something I had ever heard in the public sector, despite trust being a huge factor in the work we do supporting the public. - This is warmth vs competency in action.

Lead with warmth, follow with competency, and you are building rapport, relationship and trust in character - you then add in the ability, capability and competency, and you are winning!

As any business owner will tell you. Walking into a networking event and telling everyone how amazing you are will lead to zero business conversations, and you will repel people faster than the sound of a mosquito buzz.

This blog will help you to explore this as a leader.

Why Competency First Backfires for Leaders

Vanessa Van Edwards, researcher and expert on human behaviour, breaks this down clearly.

Warmth refers to traits like friendliness, empathy, kindness, and trustworthiness. Competence encompasses intelligence, skill, effectiveness, and the ability to achieve goals.

When leaders lead with competency first, focusing on demonstrating their knowledge, their experience, and their credentials, people perceive lower trust.

It sounds counterintuitive because so many of us were taught that if you are good at your job, this will make people trust you more.

The reality is that competency alone creates distance; it creates hierarchy, and it creates the dynamic where you are the expert at the top, and everyone else is below you, trying to catch up.

This is not what leads to trust. It may lead to professional respect; however, it is likely to come with a strong feeling of caution.

I suspect that we have all had a leader or manager whom we have respected as someone who is good at what they do, but we haven't trusted them, we haven't liked them. - I know I have definitely said the words "They're good at what they do, but I just can't warm to them" ...and often there is a lack of awareness from the individual that this is what is happening.

I learned this the hard way.

The Identity Crisis: Leading from the Wrong Place

I was promoted to senior manager at 30 into a unit that had very experienced people. I was young, female and in a very male-dominated police service. I was the only civilian on the senior leadership team and the first role of its kind.

Respect didn't come automatically, and to be honest, I hadn't expected it to. I knew that I had to earn it.

So I led with competency. I walked in and did my best to try to prove myself. I showed up with all the answers. I made sure everyone knew I could do this job, that I deserved to be there, that I wasn't going to let anyone down. I wanted to be seen as someone who was confident, assertive, able to make decisions, and someone able to lead.

I wanted them to see past age, gender, or role title.

What I didn't show up with was warmth. And I know that I did not have the awareness at the time to see what was happening and the impact that it was having.

What I completely missed was leading with connection and with authenticity. I think on some level, I thought that those things would undermine my credibility. I thought if I let people see me as a person, they'd question whether I was competent enough to lead them.

So I 'performed leadership' instead of showing up with my usual leadership style. I mirrored what I thought a senior manager should look like, keeping a professional distance, expertise on display, answers ready.

I completely missed the opportunity to model what intentional leadership actually is.

It was exhausting, and it definitely didn't work the way I thought (hoped) it would.

The Shift for Leaders: Warmth First, Then Competency

Have you ever experienced the disconnect of the 'first impression' vs what someone is like once you get to know them?

This is what happened: I showed up with this armour on, so determined to prove myself in the role, to prove not only was this a good decision to bring this new role in but also to prove that I was the best person for it - that I completely hid myself in the process.

And naturally, over time, that armour started to slip - I started to get more comfortable with people, started to have more one-on-one conversations, started to show the real me that little bit more.

And things really changed once I let the armour go completely - when I stopped trying to be someone else and had the confidence to start leading as myself.

I challenged with humour. I pushed back and set boundaries. I let my personality come through. I showed up as a human first.

And something shifted. People started actually listening. Not because I was suddenly more competent. I wasn't, but because they had started to trust me, because they felt safe with me and because they saw me as real, not performing.

Then, when I backed that up with competency, with knowledge, with decisions, with results, it landed differently. It didn't feel like I was proving myself. It felt like I was delivering on the connection we'd already built.

I know that it was too late for some people in the department, the damage had already been done, and whilst a lot of people were saying 'she's okay once you get to know her' there were some that weren't sure which one was actually me - and to be honest I can completely understand that as I know I have felt the same about other people too!

Those who lead with competency are often doing this with good intentions, just as I was, and it is so hard to see the impact when you are in it.

Once I could see it, it was hard to 'unsee' - I started to observe other leaders with a different lens. I sat in meetings with more senior leaders and watched with curiosity as to how they showed up.

And what I noticed was that the senior leaders who were most effective, the ones that people actually wanted to follow, they weren't the ones with the biggest egos or the most credentials on display. They were the ones who showed up warm. The ones who made people feel safe, who created psychological space for people to be honest about what they didn't know and what they needed help with.

They lead with warmth, and then they back it up with competency.

Warmth created the conditions where competency could land - and stick!

How to Lead with Warmth First

Van Edwards identifies the specific cues that signal warmth and competency. These aren't complicated; they are practical things you can start doing immediately.

Warmth cues: How you show up human:

Open posture and genuine connection.

Uncrossed arms, relaxed shoulders.

Lean in when someone's talking.

These signal approachability and that you're genuinely interested in what they have to say.

Authentic smiling. A real smile that reaches your eyes builds trust faster than anything else. Head tilts slightly when listening; it signals empathy and active engagement.

Eye contact. Consistent, warm eye contact builds rapport and emotional connection. It says, "I see you. You matter."

Mirroring. When you subtly mirror someone's gestures and pace, you build rapport without them even realising it. - subtle is the keyword here.

Collaborative language. Words that emphasise teamwork, inclusivity, and "we" rather than "I" reinforce that you're warm and approachable.

Competency cues: How you show you can deliver:

Confident, authoritative tone with intentional modulation. Not rushed. Not defensive. Clear.

Purposeful pauses instead of fillers. Replace the "um's and "uh's with deliberate silence. It makes you sound more authoritative and clear.

Expansive posture with grounded confidence. Taking up appropriate space, relaxed shoulders, feet planted. It conveys self-assurance without arrogance. - Chin up, shoulders down, elbows out. You have earned the right to be in that space - take it up!

Precise gestures. Palms-up gestures signal openness. Expansive hand movements convey confidence. Everything intentional, nothing fidgety or nervous.

Think about how you look at the cabin crew the moment a flight is turbulent. I am fairly sure I am not the only person who looks straight at them to check whether there is any element of panic in their body language. That tells me whether or not I need to be worried.

It is the same in leadership. Your team will look at you. Do you look grounded? Do you look calm? Do you sound clear about what happens next? Because trust and rapport are built not just in what you say, but in how you say it.

What to avoid: Fidgeting, slouching, crossing your arms, or signalling insecurity. These undermine both warmth and competency. Van Edwards calls these "danger zone" cues. Replace them with intentional presence.

What This Means for How You Lead

Your team doesn't need you to be perfect. They don't need you to have all the answers. They need you to be real.

Warmth first means you show up as a human. You're approachable. You're genuine. You're someone people feel safe being honest with. You create psychological safety.

Then competency. You deliver. You make good decisions. You know your stuff. You back up the connection with results.

When you do it in that order, people trust you. They develop capability because they feel safe learning from you. They take ownership because you've created an environment where that's possible. They speak up when something's wrong because you've established that it's safe to do so.

There is a difference between mirroring and modelling, and it is worth naming here.

When you mirror, you are replicating what you see someone else do. When you model, you are looking at what they do well and adapting it so that it works for you, so that it is authentic to you.

Warmth comes from an authentic place. You are showing up as yourself, in a way that is comfortable for you. That is what makes it land.

This is the difference between performing leadership and truly showing up as the leader you want to be.

When you do it backwards, competency first, warmth second, you get respect without the much-needed trust. Lack of connection creates distance, and lack of authenticity makes it look like it is all a performance.

And that's exhausting for everyone.

The Real Test for Leaders

Watch the leaders in your organisation who people actually follow. Not the ones with the biggest titles or the most impressive credentials. Not the ones sitting at the top.

The ones people genuinely want to develop under. The ones who create high-performing teams. The ones people are quick to talk about in a positive way.

Notice who they are. Notice how they show up.

Most of them lead with warmth. They're approachable. They're human. They make you feel like you matter. Then they deliver. They're competent. They're strategic. They're effective.

It's not either/or. It's both. And it is the order that changes everything.

Before you go, ask yourself:

How are you showing up with your team right now? Are you leading with competency first, trying to prove yourself? Or are you leading with warmth, creating connection, then backing it up with what you know?

Which order would change how people respond to you?

Now you know what you know, what will you do differently?

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Ready to transform from reactive to intentional leadership?

I'm Zoë Thompson, leadership and performance specialist, and I help overwhelmed leaders transform from reactive to intentional leadership in 8 weeks, so you finish work on time, take The Big Week Off with zero work, zero stress and zero guilt, and create success that feels as good as it looks.

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